In our last reflection (Human Formation #3 posted on Nov. 20, 2013), we spoke of affirmation, the
response to our fundamental human need to have our goodness revealed to us by
another. Receiving authentic affirmation
leads to emotional maturity and even opens us up to the love of God, leading to
an experiential, felt faith. Yet, the
hard truth is that none of us have been loved or affirmed adequately. This is obviously true for those from
unhealthy families where, instead of affirmation, love deprivation and emotional
denial characterize the family culture.
But it is true even for those from the healthiest of families since imperfect
people are incapable of perfect love. I
mention this because sometimes love deprivation and emotional denial are subtle
in their expressions. A surprising
example of affirmation-in-action will help to illustrate this point. Dr. Baars writes:
Long ago a friend told me of a childhood incident that
had left a lasting impression on him. He
was five or six years old when on a weekday morning the pastor came to visit
his mother. His father was outside
working on the farm. The older children were in school. Being shy, my friend John hid under the table, but not
entirely out of sight, while the pastor and his mother visited. Neither one paid attention to him. When the pastor had left and John had come out from under the
table his mother stroked his hair and with a friendly smile said, "Were you shy, Johnny"? Johnny had never forgotten this incident and
the wonderful feeling that it
was all right for him to be shy, that he did not have to force himself to be a big boy and to hide his shyness from the visitor. Johnny had
been affirmed both by his mother and
her understanding visitor. They had affirmed Johnny by allowing him to grow and become who and what he was
supposed to be in his own time, in his
own way, and at his own pace. I remember asking John whether he recalled
the effect of this particular
visit. "Indeed," he replied, "I remember that it gave me a sense
of confidence in myself, a
feeling that I was O.K. And I'm almost positive that the visit cured, or at
least greatly diminished my
shyness." This may sound like a rather unexpected outcome to those of us who find it easier to imagine another
version of this visit by the pastor, like: "Johnny, come out from under the table and shake
hands with the pastor. Show him what a big boy you
are. Come on, Johnny, don't be a baby." But it is precisely the Johnny in
this second version who is not
being affirmed and whose emotional development will become adversely affected (Dr. Conrad Baars,
M.D., Born Only Once).
While love deprivation and emotional denial may be subtle in their
expressions, especially in healthier families, their long-term effects are
obvious and painful. These effects
include (to greater and lesser degrees):
1) An inability to relate to
others, to form intimate friendships; 2) Feelings of uncertainty and insecurity which often manifest themselves
in hypersensitivity and an unhealthy need for acceptance and approval; 3) Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy
and unworthiness; and 4) Increasing feelings of depression resulting from a fearful
and lonely lifestyle. Do any of these
symptoms look or feel familiar? This may
be a tough reality to face, but it needs to be faced for the sake our own
happiness (see John 10:10) as well as for the sake of our discernment. Discernment requires both the freedom and the
self-confidence needed to say Yes!. Still, we
do not need to be afraid of our weaknesses, God has sent His son Jesus to heal
us and set us free so that we can say Yes to Him and His plan with confidence and freedom—this is the message of Advent! With this advent hope in mind and heart, we
will discuss in coming reflections how we dispose ourselves to receive the
affirmation of God and others and how to become authentic affirmers
ourselves.
May God bless you this
Christmas!
Fr. Isaac Spinharney, CFR
St. Joseph Friary
Harlem, NY
